Lately Death and Life Get So Confusing

This last month has been a season filled with grief. The reality of Haiti and life here has hit me hard as I have lost two very special people to me.

Frè m. My brother.

The first was my friend and Haitian brother Gasner. He passed away on March 24 from complications related to pneumonia and TB. We first met four years ago on my first trip to Haiti where he served as one of our translators. Our friendship has grown and continued over these past few years. He has become so much more than just a friend. I can honestly say he was one of my closest friends in Haiti and someone I count among my family. He had a quiet and gentle heart and a great love for his country. I feel honored to have known him, to have learned how to love Haiti from him, to be his American sister. I miss him a lot and often have difficulty remembering he is gone. My heart aches and tears have often flowed as I remember him.

Walking around the backyard. Photo from the Passion Project

The second happened just a few days ago. Jonathan, a 2 or 3 year old, that has been at Child Hope since being found abandoned by the Haitian Police in August died after not waking up from his afternoon nap. He had suffered from epilepsy as well as other developmental delays, but the staff is unsure exactly what happened. I've been in the states for the last few weeks and getting the phone call from one of my roommates in Haiti about his death was devastating. I know he is in a much better place dancing, singing, and running around Heaven, but he will be greatly missed in Haiti. He has taught all of us so much about love and joy these past few months. His funeral will be Tuesday morning, and I unfortunately will have to miss it as I don't get back to Haiti until that afternoon. Pray especially for our kids, my roommates, Lexie and Paula, who were very close to Jonathan, and the nannies who loved and took care of him these past months. There are so many kids who have stories similar to Jonathan all over the world. And as hard as his death is to all of us, I'm glad that his life and death didn't happen without many people grieving his loss. 

Jonathan, second left, with his "brothers and sisters" at Child Hope.

I get angry and frustrated a lot at the injustice of these deaths. Both of these deaths would have been treatable in the US. The lack of ease to good medical care leads to far to many deaths in Haiti. The song "All My Tears" by Jars of Clay has been on repeat on my iPhone often over the last month. It has been a good reminder to me of the truth that both Gasner and Jonathan are in a better place. They are both safely in the arms of Jesus worshipping him in heaven. It's beautiful. It's hopeful. It makes me ready for Jesus to come back and make all things new. Thanks so much for your prayers, love, and encouragement. I have needed every email, facebook message, text, and hug. 

I remember praying my freshman year of college that God would take my world apart. 18-year-old me had no idea what she was praying. But God has answered that prayer time and time again in my life. Haiti has just been part of that journey. I still want a heart that breaks for the things that break God's although I'll admit I wish it hurt less most of the time. I feel like I live with this constant heartache now, but I don't want to be blind to the things that are happening in the world. And as much as my heart is breaking over this and so much else that has happened in Haiti over the past year, I wouldn't change being there. Death, sickness, and brokenness are part of my daily reality now, but so are JOY, HOPE, and LOVE. Today, this Easter Sunday, I'm more thankful than ever for the cross and resurrection. I'm thankful for what it represents. I'm thankful that as Charles Spurgeon once said, "Jesus has turned the tomb into a bed- and dying into just waking up."

I have always loved the hope I feel looking at this Thomas Kinkade picture.

Here are the lyrics to "All My Tears"

"All My Tears"

When I go, don't cry for me
In my Father's arms I'll be
The wounds this world left on my soul
Will all be healed and I'll be whole.
Sun and moon will be replaced
With the light of Jesus' face
And I will not be ashamed
For my Savior knows my name.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.

Gold and silver blind the eye
Temporary riches lie
Come and eat from heaven's store,
Come and drink, and thirst no more

It don't matter where you bury me
I'll be home and I'll be free
It don't matter where I lay
All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends,
When my time below does end
For my life belongs to Him
Who will raise the dead again.

It don't matter where you bury me,
I'll be home and I'll be free.
It don't matter where I lay,
All my tears be washed away.